Imaginary Heart Attacks
/This past year has been difficult to say the least. March 2023 saw me heading to the ER thinking I was dying of a heart attack. I had been having palpitations for a few days (which I attributed to too much caffeine) but one night I woke up and felt a strange rush to my head as if I was about to pass out. Coupled with my heart pounding and beating irregularly, it felt dire.
I remember sitting in the passenger seat as my wife drove me to the hospital at 3am – I was trying to prepare for what dying would be like. What if this was the last few experiences I had? But it wasn’t as if you could check off some bucket list items sitting in a car. Instead, I tried to focus on breathing and trying to calm my heart rate.
Checking into the hospital was surreal. We had to sit down and explain why we were there and I was asked if I had a living will, which didn’t help calm my heart in the slightest. But, after the questions were asked and my insurance card scanned, I was wheeled into the ER and examined.
They found nothing wrong with my heart. My pulse was elevated, but other than that everything looked good. I was discharged and told to lay off the caffeine.
The problem was, after settling in back at home I continued feeling wrong. My heart seemed to be pumping harder than usual, the rhythm seemed off despite the EKG not seeing anything. There were chest pains that would come and go and a few more head rushes.
This continued every second of every day for months. I had various other tests and examinations (even wearing a monitor taped to my chest for 2 weeks) but nothing seemed off with my heart. I broke down and wept on countless occasions – both for the fear that I would drop dead at any moment, and also for the dread that this was just something my body would do for the rest of my life, just like the normal aches that come with aging.
My cardiologist suggested it was anxiety, and I had a difficult time buying that considering how persistent the symptoms were. This wasn’t a sudden overwhelming episode where I fell to the floor trying to catch my breath. It was near constant feeling of my heart not operating correctly.
But after ruling out all the physical possibilities, we were left with mental. I saw a psychiatrist and was assigned an SSRI. It was an adjustment at first, but after a month or so, I did start to feel better. Those odd feelings never went away completely, but were much more manageable thanks to medication and therapy.
I went into 2023 full of ambition and optimism, and my own stupid brain robbed me of that. For much of the year I was paralyzed by fear and discomfort and avoided doing things that I had planned on doing. It’s difficult not to feel disappointed in myself, and feel as if I’m behind and need to catch up on all the projects I have started or plan to start. But, it’s extremely important to be kind to oneself, and patient, and forgiving.
It’s amazing how there’s this hidden world within us capable of constructing amazing stories and ideas, but at the same time can turn on us and become a ghost haunting us from the inside.
So, as I settle into 2024 and think about what it has in store, I hope to share exciting news with you all, and finish some projects (finally). But most of all, I just wish to live as best I can, and urge anyone who is struggling with mental health to get the help you need.
I hope your ghosts are the friendly cartoon kind.
Wishing you all the best,
Bryan
